perjantai 24. heinäkuuta 2015

Last hurrah

I don't know if anyone will ever understand this, I don't know if I will ever be able to understand this either. I don't know. Maybe it is too big, too precious to be understand. Maybe it is too unbelievable to ever be understandable. I don't know. I know nothing.




And then I know million little things. Coming back home was awesome. I was happy. I AM happy. Being home feels so good. So so good. And yet there is this pain inside me. This pain that increases when I see a picture of a bread that I used to love when I was in America. And I am such a mess! I am just a girl who thought that America would give me everything. It would make me know what I want to do in the future. It would help me find myself. That girl didn't know that America wouldn't give everything. It didn't give all the answers. But it gave so much more! The year in America gave me all these little things that together formed this lovely, smiling, happy and yet so painful feeling in my heart.





I do not know if this text makes any sense. I am just trying to explain myself. Explain myself to myself and maybe to other people who I don't know but who feel the same way.

I am so happy here in Finland. Everything is good! This is maybe the happiest that I have ever been. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy my life. I love. I love my life. I know that my home is in Finland. I know that there will never be another home like this. I am so so happy. I continue to live my life that I had before I moved to America. I will finish high school this coming Spring, I will graduate. I will move away from my childhood home, I have a job, I have dreams, I want to travel, go someplace warm this Fall. I am filled with this hope, happiness, love.






And then all of a sudden I can feel this pain stabbing my heart, my chest. I see a picture from my little hometown in Michigan. I see a picture of Lake Huron and I am filled with this pain. I see a picture of me during the cold Michigan winter and I am filled with memories. I remember so much. I remember how cold it was, I remember how I woke up almost every morning in the winter and wished that there was a message in my phone that would tell me that there is no school today, I remember how I went to my hockey practice and the smell of the Northern Lights Arena hit me when I opened the door, and what a good smell it was. I remember thinking that this is the smell that I am going to miss badly, that this is the smell of home, smell of love. I remember. And those memories bring me so much joy. But they also tear me apart. And the worst part is that I can't do anything about it! I am stuck in that feeling! And sure, sure I will feel better soon but it always comes back, it comes back and reminds me of what I can't go back anymore.




But that's not how it works. I know that time will make it better. After weeks, after months the pain that I feel decreases. At some point I will only be able to smile at my memories. I had a great year. I experienced a lot of great things and I am so deeply grateful. Some day I don't feel this pain when memories come again. I will only smile and be happy about everything that I got to experience. I just need to let go. And I know that some day I will be back. I will be back in America. Back in this little town where I lived 10 months, back in this beautiful place that I came to love. I will come back for a visit.

keskiviikko 8. heinäkuuta 2015

How could I explain it to others when I don't understand it either

Kotiin palaaminen. Siitä on tullut kuluneeksi nyt kuukausi. Kotiin paluu oli kummallista. On sitä vieläkin. Ehkä jossain vaiheessa mun ajatukset vähän selkiytyy ja osaan paremmin selvittää tunteitani myös itselleni.

Coming back home. It has been a month since I came back home. It feels weird. It still is weird. Maybe, some day I will be able to think clear and understand my feelings better.

Viimesiä päiviä Alpenassa, Kolin halus tehdä mulle letin


Lennot Washingtonista kotiin meni hyvin. Loppuvaiheessa väsytti kamalasti, mutta ei nukuttanut. Väsymyksestä muistutti vain päänsärky, joka jyskytti takaraivossa. Suomea puhuvat lentoemännät kummastuttivat. Moottorin melu oli melko pelottava, puolalaisnainen vieressä luki lehteä, en vieläkään tajunnut että olin menossa kotiin. Laskeutuminen oli töyssyinen. Mielentila ei. Tuntui melko normaalilta. Olin huolissani, ettei mun laukut olisi tulleet Helsinkiin. Sieltä ne kuitenkin saapui, kasattiin ne Katrinan kanssa kärryihin ja mietin, että Suomi on hyvä maa. Kärryt oli ilmaiset, Washingtonissa niistä täytyi maksaa 5 dollaria.

Flights from Washington DC went well. I was really tired on the last flight but I couldn't sleep. There was only the headache reminding me of my tiredness. Finnish speaking stewardesses made me feel weird. The sound of the engine was scary, polish woman next to me was reading some polish magazine, and I still didn't realize I was going home. Landing was bumpy and I still felt pretty normal, I was worried about basic things like my bags not being sent to Helsinki. Luckily my suitcases arrived on the same flight as I did, we took our bags with Katrina and put them into the carts. I remember thinking that Finland is a good country, the cart was free. In Washington I would have had to pay 5 dollars for that.





Äidin ja Isin halaaminen oli ihanaa. Pitkästä aikaa. Olin tullut kotiin.

It was amazing to hug my mommy and daddy again. I had come home.

Monesti multa on kysytty miltä tuntuu? Aina vaan vastaan etten oikein tiedä. Melko normaalilta? Kysytään Amerikasta. En osaa vastata. Ei oo tarinoita. Ei oo sanoja. Kysytään minkälainen Amerikka oli? Vastaan. että ihan normaali. Onko ikävä? Ei oikeastaan. Ja kuitenkin on. Ei koko ajan. Suurimman osan ajasta ei. Ja kuitenkin on. Sitä on niin vaikea selittää. Joskus illalla ajattelee sitä elämää siellä, ja se tuntuu epätodelliselta. Instagramissa ja Facebookissa näkee kuvia Alpenasta. Ne saa sydämen särkemään.

I've been asked multiple times how does it feel to be home? And every time I answer that I don't really know. Pretty normal? They ask me about America and I don't know how to answer. I don't have any stories, I don't have words. They ask me what kind of place was America? And I say that it was pretty basic, normal. Do I miss it? Not really. And yes. Not all the time though. And on the other hand I miss it all the time. It is hard to explain and sometimes when I'm going to sleep I think about my life in America and it feels unreal. When I see pictures from Alpena in instagram and facebook it makes my heart ache. 







Ystävien näkeminen on ollut ihanaa. Mulla oli kyllä hyviä ystäviä Alpenassakin, mutta ei semmosta ystäväporukkaa mikä on täällä. Niiden kanssa on samanlaista kuin ennenkin. Tuntuu, ettei mikään ole muuttunut. Ja se on huippua. Kiitollinen ja Onnellinen. Sitä mä olen.

Seeing my friends again has been awesome. I had good friends in Alpena, but I never had big group of friends, like I do in Finland. Being with them has been same as it was before. It feels like nothing has changed, and it is awesome. I am grateful and happy.

Ja kuitenkin. Tuntuu etten jaksa pitää yhteyttä Amerikkalaisiin. Tai vaihtarikavereihin. Ei sillä, ettenkö välittäis niistä. Tuntuu vaan ylivoimaiselta. Välillä sitä vaan toivoo, että kaikki jättäis mut rauhaan. Antais mun olla niin kauan, että mä saan ajatukseni selviksi. Välillä tuntuu niin tyhjältä. Tuntuu vaan siltä, että mä haluaisin palata ajassa taaksepäin. Palata takaisin syksyyn. Palata niihin lauantai aamuihin kun puoli kuudelta aamulla noustiin koulun pihassa keltaiseen koulubussiin ja lähdettiin ajamaan cross country joukkueen kanssa kohti päivän kilpailua. Tyyny kainalossa, ulkona tuoksuu kirpeälle syksylle ja ilmassa on väsynyttä puheensorinaa. Jännittää vähän. Haluan palata takaisin niihin harkkoihin kun aurinko porotti niin kuumasti, että oli vaikea juosta, mutta silti sitä juoksi. Haluan palata takaisin jääkiekkojoukkueen pukukoppiin pari minuuttia ennen jäälle menoa kun sydän jyskyttää normaalia nopeammin. Mä haluan palata takaisin niihin talvisiin hetkiin mitkä me vietettiin Applebeessä. Takaisin Mr. Limbackin englannin tunnille, kun se vitsaili mulle ruotsista ja ruotsalaisista. Haluan palata takaisin niin paljon. Saada takaisin sen kaiken mitä mulla siellä oli. Ja kuitenkin mä olen täällä onnellinen. Musta on ihanaa olla Suomessa, rakkaiden ystävien kanssa, perheen kanssa. Niinkuin mun hostsisko sanoi niin meidän pitää vaan päästää irti. Let go. Se vaan on vaikeampaa kuin mä luulin. Ja kaikista eniten sattuu se ajatus, että mä en koskaan pääse takaisin siihen täsmälleen samaan elämään joka mulla oli. Kun mä menen takaisin se ei ole enää samaa. Ei enää ikinä.

And still. It feels like it's almost too hard to keep in touch with Americans and my exchange student friends. It's not that I don't love them. It just feels really hard. And sometimes I just wish that everybody would leave me alone as long as I need so I can get my shit together. Every once in a while I feel so empty. It feels like I want to go back in time. Go back to the last Fall. To those Saturday mornings when it's 5:30am and I got on the yellow school bus with my cross country team and we were heading to the next meet, next race. I wanna go back to my ice hockey team's locker room. It's couple minutes before the game and my heart is beating faster than usual. I wanna go back to those cold winter days when we spent time in Applebee's. Back to the Mr. Limback's English class when he made jokes about Sweden and Swedish people. I wanna go back so bad, get back everything that I had there. And still I'm happy here in Finland. It feels great to be back home with my friends and family. Like my hostsister said "We need to let go" It just is harder than I thought it would be. And the most painful thought is that I can never go back to the exact same life that I once had in America. When I some day go back it is not the same. Not ever again.












En tiedä mitä blogille tapahtuu nyt. Ehkä muutan blogin nimen ja kirjoitan seikkailuista mitä tulee vastaan, mutta en ole siitäkään vielä varma. Jätän sen ainakin tänne. Tuun välillä lueskelemaan ja muistelemaan ja toivon, että tästä on apua jollekin joka kenties on lähdössä vaihtoon tai haaveilee vaihtoon lähdöstä. Mun reissu loppuu nyt kuitenkin tähän. Ja mikä mieletön reissu olikin. Kiitos kaikille jotka oli matkalla mukana. Äitille ja isille, jotka teki koko jutun mahdolliseksi. Kiitos, kiitos, kiitos. Koskaan en voi sanoin kuvailla kuinka kiitollinen mä olen.
Good bye Michigan! <3

I'm not sure what happens to my blog now. Maybe I'll change the name and write about other adventures that I experience along the way, but I'm not sure. For starter I'll just leave this blog here and come back to read it every once in a while and refresh my memories and I hope that this blog will help someone who is going to be an exchange student or dreams about being an exchange student. My journey ends here and now and what an amazing journey it was indeed. Thank you for everyone who was there with me. Thank you to my mommy and daddy, who made this whole year possible. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can never really tell how thankful I am. 
Good bye Michigan! <3

*Special thank you to my dear host family who took excellent care of me! I love and miss you!