perjantai 24. heinäkuuta 2015

Last hurrah

I don't know if anyone will ever understand this, I don't know if I will ever be able to understand this either. I don't know. Maybe it is too big, too precious to be understand. Maybe it is too unbelievable to ever be understandable. I don't know. I know nothing.

And then I know million little things. Coming back home was awesome. I was happy. I AM happy. Being home feels so good. So so good. And yet there is this pain inside me. This pain that increases when I see a picture of a bread that I used to love when I was in America. And I am such a mess! I am just a girl who thought that America would give me everything. It would make me know what I want to do in the future. It would help me find myself. That girl didn't know that America wouldn't give everything. It didn't give all the answers. But it gave so much more! The year in America gave me all these little things that together formed this lovely, smiling, happy and yet so painful feeling in my heart.

I do not know if this text makes any sense. I am just trying to explain myself. Explain myself to myself and maybe to other people who I don't know but who feel the same way.

I am so happy here in Finland. Everything is good! This is maybe the happiest that I have ever been. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy my life. I love. I love my life. I know that my home is in Finland. I know that there will never be another home like this. I am so so happy. I continue to live my life that I had before I moved to America. I will finish high school this coming Spring, I will graduate. I will move away from my childhood home, I have a job, I have dreams, I want to travel, go someplace warm this Fall. I am filled with this hope, happiness, love.

And then all of a sudden I can feel this pain stabbing my heart, my chest. I see a picture from my little hometown in Michigan. I see a picture of Lake Huron and I am filled with this pain. I see a picture of me during the cold Michigan winter and I am filled with memories. I remember so much. I remember how cold it was, I remember how I woke up almost every morning in the winter and wished that there was a message in my phone that would tell me that there is no school today, I remember how I went to my hockey practice and the smell of the Northern Lights Arena hit me when I opened the door, and what a good smell it was. I remember thinking that this is the smell that I am going to miss badly, that this is the smell of home, smell of love. I remember. And those memories bring me so much joy. But they also tear me apart. And the worst part is that I can't do anything about it! I am stuck in that feeling! And sure, sure I will feel better soon but it always comes back, it comes back and reminds me of what I can't go back anymore.

But that's not how it works. I know that time will make it better. After weeks, after months the pain that I feel decreases. At some point I will only be able to smile at my memories. I had a great year. I experienced a lot of great things and I am so deeply grateful. Some day I don't feel this pain when memories come again. I will only smile and be happy about everything that I got to experience. I just need to let go. And I know that some day I will be back. I will be back in America. Back in this little town where I lived 10 months, back in this beautiful place that I came to love. I will come back for a visit.

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